Sunday Golf
There was this preacher who was
an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf
course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect
day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature
was just right.
The preacher was in a quandary as
to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called
an assistant to tell him that he was sick, packed the car up, and drove
three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily,
he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the
preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the
preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first
hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air
and landed right in the cup four hundred yards away (as they say in basketball,
nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He
turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going
to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it -- whom
can he tell?"
Top Ten Best Caddy Retorts
#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown
myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your
head down that long?"
#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth
to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already
moved most of the earth."
#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is
improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball
much closer now."
#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get
there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst
caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That
would be too much of a coincidence."
#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your
watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's
a compass."
#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally,
I prefer golf."
#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin
to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's
a sin on any day."
#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course
I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course.
We left that an hour ago."
#1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball,
it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since
we teed off."
Rabbi Woods
Shortly after the Pope had apologized
to the Nation of Israel for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church
over the years, Ehud Barak, the leader of Israel, sent back a message to
the College of Cardinals. The proposal was for a friendly game of golf
to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to show the
friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholic and Jewish faiths.
The Pope met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the
Cardinals, "Mr. Barak wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show
that you are old and unable to compete I am afraid that this would tarnish
our image to the world."
The Pope thought about this and as
he had never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal
to represent me?"
"None that plays golf very well,"
a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus,
an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a
Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr.Barak as your personal representative.
In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a great idea.
The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play as
a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus
reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some
good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news, Cardinal
Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like
to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf
in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been
inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate
and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play
was truly miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the
Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi
Tiger Woods by three strokes."
Father Plays Too
One day Jesus and Moses were on
the golf course and decided to have a contest over who can make the most
outstanding shot.
Moses goes first. He settles up for
the shot and hammers it straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball
falls into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky,
and the water parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the
water and onto dry land, only a foot away from the hole. Jesus looks at
Moses and says, "Hey Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see
what I can do."
Jesus settles up for his shot and
sends the ball screaming towards the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the
same luck as Moses did. The ball heads straight for the water hazard. Jesus
holds out one hand and, instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounces
on top of the water and rolls onto dry land only 3 inches from the hole.
Moses says, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!"
No sooner did Moses say this, than
the skies grew dark. The wind started up, lightning and thunder crackled
through the sky. Suddenly a ball falls from the heavens into the same water
hazard where Jesus and Moses had hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows
the ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs the fish in his talons, and heads
for the now darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle and he drops the
fish onto the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out and drops
into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man!
I hate it when your Dad plays!!"
Golf Shortys
Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs
of trousers with them?
A. Just in case they get a hole
in one.
Two die-hard golfers saw some kids
fishing at the lake.
One said to the other, "look at
those idiots fishing in the rain!"
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